Slightly on the Spectrum

   When my 13 year old son was in preschool, they had a special "Moms" day.  The class sang us a song and showed off the many skills they had learned getting ready for their big step into Kindergarten the following year.  The teachers had asked all the little ones to draw a picture for their mom expressing something she does for them.  I peeked at the others drawings as they were passed out and read aloud.  Mostly stick figures with flowers or something resembling a sink with dishes or desk with a computer.  I was anxious to see what my little guy had thought of when prompted to remember the numerous tasks his mother (ME) did for him daily.  (dishes, laundry, no I got it!... making food!! He loved dinner time!)  They held up his drawing and read the description. (they had written on the bottom what he told them it was)  "There was a man and he exploded."  The picture was in all black and looked exactly like something had exploded on the paper!

You know the funny feeling you get when watching your kids do something, that makes you want to cry and laugh at the same time?  This is what I was experiencing.  I looked excitedly at the drawing and loved on him saying how proud I was of him.  He never noticed a difference in his art work compared to the other kids in class. I was happy for that.

      My only son was the second born out of our four kids.  He has always been our child that just needed a little "extra".  Extra time, extra attention, extra patience, extra explanations, extra consideration.  As a toddler, he was always the kid in the corner playing alone and loving every minute of it, never feeling left out.  In preschool I was told he had trouble transitioning(moving on to the next activity).   In 1st and 2nd grade he was known to hide under cubbies and desks during class when he was uncomfortable.  In 3rd-6th grades he would make silly noises and movements in class.  However, in every grade he exceled in academics, especially math.  He was a quick learner and wanted to please the teacher. (Thank GOD for the awesome teachers he had who put up with his little quirks!)

        Home was a completely different experience.   We struggled with the full out melt downs over tiny details.  Our family likes to joke around but this little guy was very literal and expected you to be too!  He wouldn't look anyone in the eye when talking to them.  He didn't have many close friends.  He couldn't control his emotions, showed no remorse, and had no idea of the impact his actions and words had on others.  On the other hand, he was a wiz at Legos and complicated games or puzzles.  He loved thrill rides and loud music, and funny movies.  He tried playing many sports (baseball, soccer, karate, gymnastics, flag football...).  It seemed he enjoyed the equipment from each sport and being able to earn a reward more than actually playing or trying to become better.

       Never during all these years did anyone ever suggest to me that my son may need to be "evaluated".  It was always in the back of my mind of course.  As a mom you excruciatingly analyze your children as a means to be able to curb any underlying issues that could be at work in them.  Not until he was in 4th grade and I took him for his routine checkup with his pediatrician, did I begin to understand.  He had become increasingly easily agitated.  I explained all his quirks and troubles and the doctor suggested he be seen by a behavioral specialist.  The specialist was able to talk to me and my son at length (even though my son wanted nothing to do with this strange man or this strange room).  Afterwards he suggested my son was slightly on the autism spectrum and would most likely benefit from some social therapy.  I had heard of the spectrum before but never really studied it.  I jumped in head first, reading up on everything I could that even remotely described my kids behavior over the years.  I found many helpful tips like filling him in on changed plans ahead of time, giving him a schedule, and speaking in a more specific way rather than in roundabout suggestions.  I felt empowered with this new information.  I would conquer this.  He would conquer this!

      I spoke with his teachers and coaches making sure they all understood, and it was always the same look...like a lightbulb had turned on.  They finally "got" him.  I felt the same way.  I finally knew what to say, how to help, and how to pray for him.  My husband and I, as well as his older sister swallowed our tongues a few times to be able to accommodate his need to slowly work out situations.  He was coming around.

       My little man was growing up.  He was making close friends and known as the funny kid.  He would leave me "I'm sorry" notes.

He would set a goal for himself and achieve it.  Straight A's (check), Patrol Leader in Boy Scouts (check).  These improvements were awesome to see until we realized a pattern.  He completely QUIT whatever it was, after the goal was reached! He was elected Patrol Leader and never wanted to go to another meeting again. He made straight A's and decided to stop doing homework.
      Last year we exhaustedly watched our academically gifted child begin to make D's and F's on his report cards.  He would take the tests and pass but never turned in homework no matter how many threats we hurled at him.  His teachers were frustrated.  We were drained, and he didn't seem to have a bit of worry.
      As parents you desire for your child to succeed at life!  You start out giving them the good stuff only, reading to them, you discipline them, and teach them manners.  That turns into paying for tutors, staying up late to finish a 5th grade science project, volunteering to be the team mom, and arguing with another adult on behalf of your innocent baby!  When should we take that step back though?  We do this, in a way, when they are small.  We put the spoon in their hand knowing they'll make a mess, but understanding we don't want to be doing the choo-choo train into their mouths forever!  It's harder, however, when more is at stake.  I firmly believe it is absolutely necessary....before it's too late.
      We knew our son was overly capable of better grades.. easily.  SO we decided to take a step back. (gasp)  We wanted to see how he would pull it all together by the end of the year.  He took all his final exams and End of Grade tests and passed with nearly perfect scores.  He was feeling very accomplished.  His report card told a different story.  On the last day of school we explained to him (with evidence now) why school work was so important.  The long term goals he had for his life could not be achieved this way. We also had a platform to explain why it's important to do the little things right and carry it through to the end, to get the best results.
       This year, yes, he has many restrictions.  He has tried doing things his way and it didn't quite pan out the way he had hoped.  Now it's our way and he understands why.  He's trying harder and obligingly following the rules we've set for him until he proves himself.
      Maybe you have a kid that is hard to communicate with.  Maybe you don't connect or struggle with engaging them.  If so, don't hesitate to ask around, talk to their doctor, or read up on similar stories and results.  Don't freak out!  Not all kids on the spectrum need medication or special classes.  This post is my experience and how we chose to face it.  All stories of the broad, broad autism spectrum are different.  Just don't forget to love on them, give them that little "extra", of course, pray for their specific needs, and don't be afraid to step back every now and then.  These kids will , no doubt, surprise you!