I’m Not Ok

  I’ve had a tough few months. Sure I don’t show my struggles to everyone but who does?   I’ve learned to be pleasing- smile, listen, don’t complain too much, be helpful, and leave em with a laugh here and there.   Those that know me well however, have learned when I speak and give a certain chuckle at the end, I’m most likely hiding how much the topic is affecting me. This world has conditioned us to put on a brave face and soldier on. (Great qualities! Not so easy!).   Don’t offend anyone and by all means don’t burden everyone with your simple problems!  Well I’m not ok with that everyday and I think it’s ok to NOT be ok all the time! So there world!!  (I’m sticking out my tongue now)

Why do we (mostly women) cover up our true emotions? Especially with those we see on a regular basis?  Maybe we feel the need to uphold a view that others have of us (Shes always so happy and put together! Well you didn’t see her last night at her ropes end!). Possibly we just don’t want to burden others or bring them down ( There’s no sense in ruining my friends sunny day because of my gray clouds). Perhaps you think your situation is nothing compared to the immeasurable problems that others face (well my friends husband  just lost his job so who am I to complain!) SO... you just keep it in. WHY??

Fall is a season I really look forward to. Mostly for the vibrant colors, cooler weather, comfy clothes, and FOOTBALL!  My schedule on the other hand is dreadful. School has begun, volunteering is maxed out, and all 4 kids are involved in multiple activities and sports that require me to drop off, pick up, and cheer on all in the same hours of the day....every day.  All of this while celebrating a major holiday, a couple major birthdays (oldest- Sweet 16, hubs-40!!), and major competitions! 

This year we also had the added pressure of my husbands new, amazingly stressful, time-sucking job.  His absence and pressure of the job have worn on our family dynamic weekly!  Now throw on top of that crazy casserole a sprinkle of financial worries, hurt feelings, broken appliances, and a helpless awareness that nothing is actually getting accomplished. 

KABLOOM!!! 

I have felt so defeated lately.  How many people do you think I’ve shown this weariness to?  Not including my husband- maybe 2.  I’m a genuinely happy person by nature so it really wasn’t that difficult to deceive everyone.  But when I was alone.....I was very alone. Like the sit on the couch, don’t change clothes, eat cereal from the box kind of alone. 

I read some blogs, listened to some messages, and cried it out with a friend, but it wasn’t till I got alone and quiet and talked about it with God that I began to feel some strength left in me! I had been going from day to busy day stressed and upset that God was allowing this craziness of a life to bring me down. I was in a funk and I wanted Him to get me out of it!

Thank goodness for the Bible study group I joined on a whim with some fellow mommies that read through the book of Acts.  Not only did I learn priceless knowledge about the Holy Spirit, I also needed the experiences of Paul to show me how to handle my own struggles. Read Acts! (I prefer the Message version) 

Paul had a self described “thorn” in his side that he repeatedly asked God to remove from his life.  God said no.  Paul tried to travel to a few particular places to preach one day.  The Holy Spirit stopped him.  Paul was beaten, jailed, left for dead once, and deserted on an island. God let him stay.  Almost all of these instances we watch Paul obey and seek God,  His wisdom and peace.  What we don’t see are the many conversations Paul had on his journey with his friends that traveled with him or new friends that took him in.  (I’m no bible expert so I like to imagine these characters as living in today’s time).  Do you think he expressed his fears and anxieties to them?  I believe it’s hard to say he didn’t!  I imagine Paul to be very honest and humbly open with people he met.  

Now because Paul listened to God when He said no and didn’t force his own plans, there were many rewards from that obedience. Miracles, spreading of the gospel like no one had seen before, rescues, and a cemented legacy of a life in History. But... perhaps because he didn’t put on a fake face to his friends he also had their support and admiration to boot! 

I’m not saying to go around complaining all the time.  That can lead down a lonely road of bitterness from which there is barely a light of hope.  No.  I’m saying be honest with God and with those around you when they genuinely ask how you’re doing.  Reveal to someone the struggles you’ve been facing lately.  Those people can pray for you, give you advice, or just make you laugh and feel better for a moment. I learned this the hard way.

Let me summarize.  First admit what’s wrong to God.  YES of course He already knows! He just wants to hear it from YOU!  (That’s how a relationship works...)  Then, when or if He doesn’t take the “thorn” away you will be listening closely and feel the overwhelming grace and peace to face and overcome what it is that’s holding you down.  

Second, talk to your friends and family.  The people you work with, your neighbor, or your fellow soccer moms!  It’s ok to NOT be ok everyday!  More than likely these listening ears are dealing with something they’d like to get off their chest too!  Furthermore, when they eventually see how much God-given strength you have and are living out, they will want it too. Trust me.

Need some help?  Don’t put on makeup one day!! I got plenty of concerned words that day.  (Yes I’m one of those that look sickly without makeup). If you can’t bring yourself to that, just ask a friend to lunch.  When someone you talk to everyday or every week asks you how your day is going...be honest!  (Especially if this person goes to your church). Say “I’ve had better days.” Or “I’m just not feeling it today, pray for me!”  Or just say “I’m not ok.”  I finally did.